A guest post for our friends over at BabySitters Search

 

 

 

I like to affectionately refer to motherhood as “Crazyhood”.  This is because I have long been of the opinion that having children will, inevitably, send you crazy.  For some it is immediate, for others it’s a gradual process.  Either way, a combination of sleep deprivation, tantrums and timetable juggling will one day put you over the edge.  No matter how maternal /organised /prepared you think you are.

 

Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is filled with all the chubby little fingers and delectable toes moments that make Hallmark the company it is today.  But let’s be honest here, it’s also filled with moments that those parenting books conveniently leave out – like how you should start wearing Depend if you like a good, hearty laugh while pregnant…

 

So if you’re new to this game, I’m going to let you in on five crazy motherhood moments that will (not if, but when) happen along the ride.  Often.  So be prepared.

 

 

1. There will be times when you’re half way down the hallway and can’t remember where you were going and what you were looking for.  You’ll reason that it must have been something important because there you are, striding through the house with purpose.  Your mind will hit a blank until you reposition yourself on the couch.  The light bulb will go off and you’ll jump up, excited to finally remember what you were about to do.  Nope, there it goes again.  Blank.

 

2. One day, whilst standing patiently in line at a Coles checkout you’ll smile smugly to yourself, pleased as punch that you made it to the grocery store for the second week in a row.  You’ll glance casually at your watch, only to realize that you have approximately three minutes to make it to school in time to pick up the kids.  You are half an hour away.  You will shriek at the top of your voice, swear like a trooper and literally drop everything before running out of the store, followed closely by two burly security guards.

 

3. You’ll continue to invite your childless, professional couple friends to dinner, determined to carry off an adult dinner party with some level of sophistication.  Your toddler will find the secret stash of lollies and run around in circles making train noises at the top of his lungs.  Naked.  One half of your couple will end up with spaghetti in her hair.  You’ll refrain from informing her there is also a lettuce leaf stuck to her back.  The baby will projectile vomit on her husband.  Twice.  You’ll notice they stop talking about their plans to conceive and feverishly start planning holidays in Rome.  You are not invited.

 

4. The one day you leave the house with a little patch of puke on your shoulder is the day you will bump into your arch nemesis from a previous life – work (the kind that pays).  You’ll give an Oscar worthy performance, bragging about how great your new life is and “did she know all the things you can make with play dough?”  She’ll smile politely and point out that “Actually, you have a little play dough on your skirt.” 

 

It will take all your strength to keep from responding with “Actually, Miriam, that’s poo.”  As you try to smooth your unbrushed hair and twist your unironed skirt around so that the poo stain is on the side (you don’t want it at the back!), your mind will drift.  You’ll wonder how long it has been there and whether nappy san will take the baby poo out or just bleach your clothes.  You’ll do that thing when mid-sentence, you suddenly forget what on earth you were saying.  You’ll trail off only to start humming the only song you can remember all the words to.  La la hot potato, hot potato.  You’ll make a hasty and somewhat awkward retreat.  What the heck, you’ll think.  May as well keep singing the song now.

 

5. At some stage in the next few years you’ll need to move to a bigger house, in a better neighbourhood.  You will realise one Saturday morning – somewhat too late – that your new neighbours’ kitchen window looks straight into your lounge room.  You’ll look up to see your neighbour, staring back at you in stunned disbelief.  As your eyes meet, it will dawn on you -whilst cradling Tickle Me Elmo in your arms, swooning to Elton and belting out the final chorus of “Tiny Dancer” – that no, he probably can’t see the toddler dancing wildly beside you.  He can, however, see you in your PJs.  Apparently having a moment with Elmo.

 

 

Yes, motherhood will send you crazy.  Or at least, make you appear that way to others.  Don’t worry about the poo thing – it happens to everyone, or at least that’s what I tell myself!  And remember that these early years won’t last forever.  So embrace them.  And now that you’re prepared, enjoy Mother’s Day.  We deserve it, poo stains and all!