My son’s seventh birthday is looming and the party guest list is on my mind.  First world problem, I know, but seriously…Who do you invite?  Now what I’m about to say is going to be controversial.  So I’m just going to go right ahead and say it.  If you can’t invite every classmate to a birthday party, don’t have one at all.  Here’s why. 

 

In his first year of preschool, my son was one of twenty children invited to a birthday party of another classmate.  It was the first party of the year and the birthday boy had walked into class, flashing his invitations proudly.  The excitement in the air was palpable.  I watched as he went around the room, handing them out to every child.  Bar three.  There were twenty-three kids in that class.  Only twenty were invited. 

 

I’ll never forget the look of humiliation and despair as one little boy, realising that he was one of the unlucky ones not going to be invited, walked slowly to the back of the room and sat down, face staring at the floor.  He was five years old.

 

I’ve heard parents scoff that children these days are wrapped in cotton wool and pampered.  The argument is that the “every child gets a medal” and “everyone’s a winner” mentality doesn’t teach our children how to handle the disappointments they will inevitably encounter later on in life.  Inviting every child creates this “sense of entitlement” I read on someone’s blog (a nanny, not a parent I might point out), turning our children into spoilt brats.

 

Sure, you could look at it that way.  That we are all raising a nation of spoilt brats that think practicing inclusion and anti-bullying is the norm.  And I for one would be okay with that.

 

Later that year, when it had been my son’s turn to brandish the invitations, I stood at the back of the room watching.  We had chosen to have a simple party at home, so that everyone could come.  That same little boy who had not been invited to the previous party, seeing that there were party invitation being handed out, had immediately walked to his desk and sat, head down.  The sheer joy on his face when he heard his name being called out was unforgettable.   When his mother phoned me later that night to thank me for inviting her son, we had both teared up on the phone.

 

Perhaps I would think differently if every kid missed out on a party now and then.  The old adage that you can’t please everybody rings true – you really won’t be invited to every party held.  But the truth is, it’s usually the same kid that misses out on every party.  As an adult it’s difficult to handle being left off a guest list, so think back and imagine your fragile little self at school.  I truly believe that constantly being the one left out can be damaging to a child.

 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that affordability equals the number of children on the guest list.  However, let's remember that this is not an adult's social event.  This is a birthday party for children!

 

If you really can’t afford to invite every child in the class, here are a few thoughtful and diplomatic things to keep in mind:

 

• Consider something simple, like a backyard disco or movie night. Cake, balloons and a bunch of screaming kids make a party!

• Hold the party mid-morning or afternoon so that providing lunch or dinner can be avoided

• If you can’t invite everyone, you don’t have to host a party.  Invite one or two “best” friends and go somewhere special instead – to the cinema, to a water park, the zoo or out for ice cream

• Don’t hand out the invitations at school or a sports venue if you are not planning to include everyone.  Consider emailing parents instead

• If there are 11 girls on the cheer squad and your budget is for 10, consider going without something so that everyone gets to come.  Do you really need to hand out favour bags of dollar store rubbish?

• If you have a boy, perhaps you can have a “boys only” party or vice versa for the girls.  This way, there is a clear and logical reason why someone might be excluded

• Little Bobby desperately wants his party at some outrageously expensive pirate waterpark with flashing laser lights and a disco ball.  Can you invite three or four children, to make it an outing rather than a party?

• Consider hosting a party every other year

• Hold a joint birthday party with one or two other children so that the expenses are shared

• And finally, remember to keep everything in perspective.  After all, birthday parties are meant to celebrate the birth of your child and their progression through life.  As long as there is a cake and a few balloons, every kid is going to have a ball.